From Conflict to Connection with Emotional Intelligence.

Are you tired of all the fighting? Do you find yourself avoiding conflict? You are not alone and emotional intelligence can help. Did you know that conflict management is a social skill?  It is one of the most important ones but also can be a difficult one for all people. But once you gain this skill, your world will open up in amazing ways.

One of the major reasons I push for parents to grow their emotional intelligence alongside their children is because it makes staying calm and dealing with the conflicts that come up daily in parenting so much easier. Emotional intelligence helps us create strong relationships. Research by the Children’s Society found that the quality of family relationships was one of the three most significant aspects of life that contributes to children’s overall sense of well-being. So why don’t we all work on the relationships in our homes first? I often think it is because our closest family members can also trigger us the most. But that’s where self-awareness and self-regulation come in. If you know your triggers and how to calm down, you can immediately diffuse this and focus on what makes a strong relationship; connection.

The power of connection

Connection moves us from a reactive state to a receptive state. This means that if you are trying to redirect or teach your children, you will be more effective if you have connected first. The best way to start connecting is through play. This is because play is the language of children. If you want more on this, see my blog on the purpose of play. Another way to create a strong connection with your children is by looking for the feeling behind the action. What is your child trying to tell you? Once you start viewing behaviors as ways children communicate it reframes “my child is misbehaving” to “my child needs me.” From there, you can continue a deeper connection through validating, acknowledging, and embracing their feelings even when you don’t like their behavior. This means, letting go of the lecture. Remember when a child is distressed their thinking brain is turned off and they cannot process information. Therefore, the most important thing is to listen and reflect on what you heard.

A strategy to manage conflict

Now that we know how important connection is, what comes next? Once everyone is calm, we can begin a conflict resolution strategy called crossing the bridge. This is a strategy I have adapted from couples therapist Hedy Schleifer. When your children are in conflict with one another you can support them in engaging in this activity. Have a special safe place where conflicts get resolved in your home. For instance, have two bean bags or chairs in a calm corner of your house and have the children make this area feel good for them. This is not about discipline it is about connection. Then support the children in taking turns. One will be communicating and the other one will actively listen and then switch. I have a webinar on active listening that is helpful in explaining this further. Once each child has communicated, ask them to come up with a compromise by saying “How can we make this better for both of you?” Often, they will come up with a great plan on their own. However, if they can’t do this, you bring them back to crossing the bridge, this is because, through active listening to one another, they are building empathy for each other’s experiences. Once we have empathy, compromise is much easier.

Practice, practice, practice

Growth takes time. This will not defuse all the conflict in your house overnight. However, the more you engage in connecting with your family and using active listening to gain deeper empathy for one another as well as learning how to compromise, the less conflict you will have. This is because you will watch your children start using this technique in their lives, not just at home. My pro tip is a reminder that children learn from us, so if you and your partner use these techniques in front of your children and with your children, everyone will thrive.

Get in touch

I hope you find these tools helpful and don’t forget to let me know what tools your family likes best! Also, if you have specific questions or a topic you want me to cover, please share it with me by emailing me @drhollysymons@outlook.com.  

If you are ready for more, head to my course, Bringing Emotional Intelligence into the Home, to one of my webinars, or attend a live event.

🖤 Dr. H