How Emotional Intelligence can help you through life’s big and small changes.
Did you know that our brains are wired to use change to detect danger? Thousands and thousands of years ago our sense for change was a way to keep us safe and alive. Today our sense that something feels different on our walk home at night, can also keep us safe by pushing us to walk a new way or jump in a cab. However, the issue comes in when our safety sense goes off when we are not in danger. This happens because our brains just sense change, and see it as dangerous. An example of this is, this week I started a new job with the National Health Service in the UK. We have an open-plan office that is supposed to act as a hot desks where you can sit anywhere. But yup, you guessed it, everyone “has a seat.” This is because routine and sameness feel safe for our brains and create comfort.
But what does this have to do with emotional intelligence and why does it matter for you? By understanding this process and the root of what makes us feel safe, we can create a calmer environment for ourselves and our children and also regulate our nervous system more effectively. Not only that, it also helps us communicate more effectively show empathy for others when they are going through change, and having knowledge about things that are difficult can intrinsically motivate us to engage.
Creating calm in times of change
By understanding how change affects our brain and the feeling of safety we get from the familiar, you can support your children in a feeling of safety which will intern keep their parasympathetic nervous system calm during change. Even toddlers do better when they know what to expect. I know this isn’t always possible, however by talking through the days of the week, the plan, and the expectations, you will find your days start and end smoother. You can do this by communicating with them or creating a kid-friendly calendar. Having a routine can also help with this, particularly around bedtime. If you do the same thing most nights in the same order it will prepare your children even your teenagers for bed in a healthier way. Then in the moments where we are unable to predict or be in a routine this self-awareness around change and our parasympathetic nervous system will also support you and your kids in regulation.
Staying regulated through change
Understanding change and having self-awareness around it can support us in regulating our nervous system. By understanding how change triggers our parasympathetic nervous system we can utilize coping skills that stop the trigger and let our bodies know we are safe. How do we do that? By engaging in activities, we know to calm our parasympathetic nervous system. We talked about the vagus nerve two weeks ago in-depth, but this is a great way to quickly tell your brain you are safe. But how do we use this to practically support our kids? By understanding that change may be triggering for our kids even little changes like running out of milk, we can begin to help them. If they are seven and under, they can only co-regulate so you will need to ensure you are regulating yourself for them. What do I mean? I mean do a coping skill at the same time as them as their bodies will regulate off you so you need a calm nervous system before they can calm down. When a change even a small one happens try validating your child’s feelings and then using a regulation technique. For instance, “I know you really wanted to see your friend today and you are sad she cannot play. Let’s go outside to play instead.” By validating feelings, and raising self-awareness and self-regulation skills, change will become easier for your kids and for you.
Holding empathy for yourself & your kids
It is important that you have empathy for yourself and your children when navigating change. This is for little things like not having the snack your child wanted to big changes such as divorce. When we see change as something that makes us feel unsafe but also the beginning of new experiences and opportunities it can shift the way we react to it. By giving ourselves and our children the grace, kindness, and support we deserve, we are much more able to regulate the negative feelings around change and experience the positive feelings around the new exciting future ahead of us. So next time you experience change big and small give yourself a bit of empathy and notice how it affects your experience.
Using change to build skills
Through change we not only experience self-awareness, regulation, and empathy but we are also building important social skills. When we experience change, we are opening up the opportunity to learn healthy communication skills, conflict management skills, and leadership skills. In the uncomfortable feelings of change, we have a wonderful opportunity to grow. Next time you are in a situation of change, try practicing healthy communication through active listening skills and engaging in conflict management skills. By doing this, you will be growing your leadership skills and also shaping your children into leaders.
Change can become motivation
One of the cool things about change is that it can be a great motivator. Especially when you engage in all of the above, you can start to use change as motivation. What I mean is that in times of change, we can build our intrinsic motivation and confidence. You can do this by using the tools I shared above. Once you do this, you will start to look at change differently. You will soon find even the hardest changes you start to see as potential positive experiences that can motivate you. This is the exciting side of change. Once we acknowledge, understand, and let go of the fear we create space for the new. However, don’t pressure yourself to jump here right away, because growing our emotional intelligence takes time and is continuous. Instead, remind yourself YOU CAN DO HARD THINGS!
Get in touch
I hope you find these tools helpful and don’t forget to let me know what tools your family likes best! Also, if you have specific questions or a topic you want me to cover, please share it with me by emailing me @drhollysymons@outlook.com.
If you are ready for more, head to my course, Bringing Emotional Intelligence into the Home, to one of my webinars, or attend a live event.
🖤 Dr. H