Are You About to Have a Baby? Some Important Tips That Are Rarely Thought About

When I was pregnant with Stella, I had a constant reminder in the back of my mind. This little reminder kept saying, "Talk to your husband. Not just about car seats, bathtubs, and bottles, but about your feelings around childhood and raising kids." 

I know that 'ghosts in the nursery' happen to most of my clients and friends, which means I should prepare for it just like I tell others to do. But what are these 'ghosts in the nursery'? Well, they are the uninvited guests of your past—deep memories and feelings from your own childhood.

When studying psychoanalysis in school, we examined the relationship between infants and their parents. An article that made so much sense to me was Ghosts in the Nursery by Selma Fraiberg, Edna Adelson, and Vivian Shapiro. So much happens when we bring life into this world, and often, we are more concerned about preparing the baby's room and purchasing the right kit than we are about the experience we are about to embark on.

How to prepare for parenthood

How do we prepare for the emotional and relational changes that accompany becoming a family? Often, we don't. Instead, we keep moving forward, becoming busier and busier until something happens that stops us in our tracks. Something like reliving a moment or a memory of our past with our own children. This usually takes the form of a vulnerability from our past. 

Issues can arise around sleep, feeding, toilet training, discipline, etc., and the sneaky thing about these selective memories is that they arrive when you least expect them, leaving you triggered and confused. In families where there is generational trauma or significant trauma, the infant may show early signs of emotional difficulties.

However, history is not destiny. Healing is possible at any age and throughout generations. Therefore, as we embark on the adventure of parenthood, it is so important that we talk with our partners about our past. What happened that we liked? What was awful? Was there trauma in our past, and how can we heal from that before baby is born? It is also important to ask our parents what they liked and disliked, as most likely, that has been instilled in us as well.

A few years ago, my husband and I were watching my nieces. I told my niece she could finish watching her television show after lunch. After lunch, we began moving towards another game, and my husband stopped me and said, "You told her she could watch the rest of her show. It isn't fair to change the rules." He followed up with, "I hated it when my parents said one thing and did another." I had completely forgotten I'd promised TV time and was grateful he reminded me.

We asked my niece which she would prefer, and she decided she was done with her show; however, this example brings to light the concept of ‘ghosts in the nursery,’ as my husband's feelings seemed to come out of nowhere.

They don't always have to be negative or bad feelings; they are experiences that leave a mark on your subconscious. They lead to important decisions around things like boundaries (who can see and hold the baby right away), mealtimes (will you eat together at the table or not), nutrition (how do you each feel about nutrition such as sugar, veggies, clean plate club), routines, rules, discipline, values, etc.

It is so important to take some time to write down your feelings in each of these areas and begin to explore them. Is there anything you really hated about being a kid or really loved?! Have you thought about this concept before?

Conversations to have with your partner before baby arrives

Here are some of the questions we worked through in our house, in case you find them a helpful starting point:

What are our boundaries when she first arrives? Who can hold her? When do we want visitors? Is washing hands before holding her important? Do we want people to kiss her? How do we feel about cuddles and their importance in our home? Were we cuddled a lot as children, or do we prefer space?

What will our routine look like? How much structure do we want? What is the most important thing for each of us in our lives now, and how can we support each other in still engaging in this activity or time? Did we have a routine as kids? What was this like for us?

How do we feel about breastfeeding or formula feeding? Will we bottle feed even if we breastfeed and take turns? What was nutrition like at our house growing up? How do we feel about this for our family?

What do we want sleep to look like? Will we both wake up for each night feed or just one of us, and why? How do we help each other and ensure we both feel engaged in caring for her if we are breastfeeding?

What things do we want to do together as a family? How can we take time alone to recharge? Who can support us in this? What was our time like as children? What were our favourite memories around family time?

Who will make the food for us? Grocery shop? Laundry? How will we share the household responsibilities? What was this like in our families?

How do we keep our relationship together? What can we do to keep the spark and stay connected? How/when will we date?

'Ghosts in the nursery' emphasises the importance of addressing past experiences to prepare for parenthood. By prioritising self-care and seeking support, we can embark on this transformative journey with love and empathy, empowering our children to thrive.

Follow me on Instagram: @raising_eq.